Pride vs. Brokenness

Last night, lying in bed my heart felt heavy. I have described my thought processes to my mom and my sister recently, about my conviction on leading a consumer driven life. Levi and I had been debating on whether to get a Pilot or not and to sell my car just so that I would have more room. I was uneasy about the whole deal, thinking over and over about how much we have and how little in comparison we give. I was convicted about whether or not all of our giving was really sacrificial or not. We don't suffer because we give more than a 10% tithe so should we give more... when is it just giving and not necessarily that sacrificial giving that the Bible commands us to do?? So we decided against upgrading our vehicle situation and I have come to a place where I feel like we are giving what God is commanding us to give but now I have a new conviction.

Back to last night, all day long and for quite a while now my mind has often been pushed toward another topic aside from consumerism, not that that struggle is resolved. As I began to unleash my thoughts on Levi I realized I was dealing with a pride issue. I explained my desire to have attention for my good works, "atta' boys" for taking nice pictures, and a myriad of other pats on the back. Why? None of you can give me true confidence through your nice words and for some reason I desire them so badly. I know cerebrally that I need to be meek and mild, the kind of person that people describe to others as gracious, joyful, HUMBLE, and most of all I want to be described as broken for the Lord. I want to put others above myself. I want to have a 1Corinthians 13 kind of love. I want to think others better than myself and not in order to play the victim (pity parties are different than being broken) or to gain more attention but in order to lead a life that is worthy of the grace my Lord gave to me despite his perfection. He didn't do it for attention, he did it for the good of others, totally selfless. If only I could understand and then put into practice, that kind of selflessness. Our world heaps praise on pride. It tells you to be proud of yourself and of where you came from but why should we be proud of our sin nature? I am not! I recently stumbled upon this checklist of sorts that I think is a good way of looking at pride in your own life.

http://www.reviveourhearts.com/pdf/uploads/41EvidencesofP.pdf

I also found this wonderful blog post by a Christian woman seeking to be a better Christian woman.

http://walkslowlylivewildly.com/2008/02/26/pride-vs-brokenness/#comments

Oh my! My eyes have been opening wider and wider everyday of where I need to focus my efforts to become a better woman. It seems overwhelming to take on this issue of pride in my life but, doggonit', I am going to do it! And some day I hope you can all honestly describe me as a woman of Christ... a woman broken for her savior! Oh dear, I hope this isn't too honest! ;0)